Monday, April 25, 2016

Homesick

For a place you couldn't tangibly feel for the last 4 decades
What does your vulnerability actually long for when you spill bitterness from your mouth?
How much does it hurt?
Is it still an open wound?
You speak as though it happened last week
It's been this vivid for my entire life.

I have a strained relationship with releasing my thoughts online. I'm scared of the possible criticism - and not the constructive kind. But, what could happen if I were to be so *special* as to receive an onslaught of criticism? Bullying is tangible. Emotional and mental health are tangible.

What is the balance between self-protection and outward-vulnerability? I equate the latter with freedom, but neglecting the former feels shortsighted.

Friday, April 1, 2016

Abandonment

I've abandoned this shit because I felt I was over-exposed. Well, that's really subjective because my over-exposure could be someone else's under-exposure.

But, I'm back publicly to ponder aloud about what are our various ideas of human currency. I've heard the usual - intelligence, attractiveness, passion, drive, etc. But, what does that really say about other people? Doesn't that limit their humanity to just these things that we value? The whole projection shit is so fascinating. So so so so fascinating.

I haven't gotten anywhere with that. My currency projection, as of late, has been kindness. I am inclined to say fuck these limited notions of intelligence and blah blah, and instead ask, how kind are you? How are you making the world a better place, not just for you, but for your fellow human(s)?

Friday, October 2, 2015

Carrie

About 90% of my Sex and the City viewings involved frustration with Carrie. Goddammit Carrie, why are you always making dumb ass choices? Similarly, I'd listen to my friends' relationship drama unfold and the thoughts/vocal questions of "Why do you stay?" pop up repeatedly. Ultimately, this echoed questions I've asked my mom since I was 6, "Why don't you leave him?" 

Not until my first dating experience at 21 did I see firsthand how low self-esteem, social messages of women should be in a relationship, and "bad boys" made the perfect shit storm. I was stuck on this dude for a year - about once a month, I'd return to see if there was any chance between us. He went as far as telling me about a date he was about to go on, and I returned faithfully the following month. Finally, he asked me for the phone number of a former crush of his (mutual acquaintance) - that's when I realized this motherfucker was heartless and absolutely cruel. I began to see why some of these women stayed, and why my judgment (masked as advice) was not gonna get them out any sooner. 

Speed this shit forward to present day, I'm 29 and again - I'm chasing a loser. I return faithfully once a month. I learned yesterday that he had a brand spanking new baby girl last month. Her time in the womb coincided with the time we were flirting and kissing. I was heartbroken. And yet today, I jumped right on the chance to "call him out," when really what I wanted to do was see him. 

Carrie, Carrie, Carrie. Perhaps I couldn't stand your ass because you mirrored a reality I didn't want to face. I've tried what I could to shake these feelings off. They're adamant that they're here to stay. I'll be able to remove them at some point, but how do I keep my self-esteem intact? How do I come out of this stronger and with a lesson learned? And goddammit, not repeat the same fucking mistake 8 years later.