Sunday, September 21, 2014

5

This past week has been full of activity - meetings, class, work, social shit, etc. And every time I go through a period filled to the brim of things to do, people to see, ideas to discuss - I tell myself that I can handle everything. That I am now capable of doing a lot of things without needing so much down time. Then, I crash. I crash all the way down and crawl back into my shell.

Before the crawling happens, I get into a very dark place. I judge others. I judge myself. I'm unforgiving and the practice of compassion becomes an afterthought. What follows is more self-flagellation (not the erotic kind, as I just read on dictionary.com). "How could I think that?" "Maybe I'm just jealous." "What a terrible thing to think."

This go-around, something's been popping up to disrupt these thoughts. It's not a 100% fix, but it's been a better way to cope than to continue the masochism. Through two years' worth of therapy sessions, I've learned to be gentler with myself. And that, more than a self-beating, has been effective to stop the cycles of hurt.

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