Friday, October 2, 2015

Carrie

About 90% of my Sex and the City viewings involved frustration with Carrie. Goddammit Carrie, why are you always making dumb ass choices? Similarly, I'd listen to my friends' relationship drama unfold and the thoughts/vocal questions of "Why do you stay?" pop up repeatedly. Ultimately, this echoed questions I've asked my mom since I was 6, "Why don't you leave him?" 

Not until my first dating experience at 21 did I see firsthand how low self-esteem, social messages of women should be in a relationship, and "bad boys" made the perfect shit storm. I was stuck on this dude for a year - about once a month, I'd return to see if there was any chance between us. He went as far as telling me about a date he was about to go on, and I returned faithfully the following month. Finally, he asked me for the phone number of a former crush of his (mutual acquaintance) - that's when I realized this motherfucker was heartless and absolutely cruel. I began to see why some of these women stayed, and why my judgment (masked as advice) was not gonna get them out any sooner. 

Speed this shit forward to present day, I'm 29 and again - I'm chasing a loser. I return faithfully once a month. I learned yesterday that he had a brand spanking new baby girl last month. Her time in the womb coincided with the time we were flirting and kissing. I was heartbroken. And yet today, I jumped right on the chance to "call him out," when really what I wanted to do was see him. 

Carrie, Carrie, Carrie. Perhaps I couldn't stand your ass because you mirrored a reality I didn't want to face. I've tried what I could to shake these feelings off. They're adamant that they're here to stay. I'll be able to remove them at some point, but how do I keep my self-esteem intact? How do I come out of this stronger and with a lesson learned? And goddammit, not repeat the same fucking mistake 8 years later. 

Monday, September 28, 2015

Companionship

"I wish I could just accept where I'm at right now, without a relationship, instead of longing for one and hurting myself."

My friend responds with "You want companionship, everyone wants companionship."

It's true, I want a companion. I'm finally not afraid to admit it. But, how do I stop it from hurting me?

Acceptance? Self-compassion? Ignore it? I don't know the answer.

Friday, August 7, 2015

Anxious kid

I was an anxious kid and now, an anxious adult.

At 4, I cried immediately after being in front of an audience of family members and familiar guests. Why? Because all eyes were on me. Could it be that a 4 year old thought she was being judged by everyone at that table? I have no idea. There's a photo that captures the cheerful moment and a burned memory of crying in the backyard from all of the attention.

As a teenager, I feared going into the cafeteria at work. Someone else had to be with me, or I would go before the rush or after when there were a few stragglers left. My mentor at the time said that no one was looking at me. But, the very thought of people glancing over, however brief, terrified me.

As a late 20's adult, when I tell stories in front of people near and dear or co-workers, my face flushes. Fear of judgment? Still not quite sure.

The attention scares me.

But, I gotta get used to this.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

I need a fuh-king outlet

I find myself feeling bad over my rants. Latest rant - white privilege and its "discovery" of shit particular folks of color have been doing forever. It's one thing to appreciate and respect a culture, it's another to appropriate and act like it never existed prior to your touch. That aside, I spoke to folks in my org and went through the motions of - I'm just preaching to the choir; did I just wanna hear myself speak?; how do I re-direct this energy into something more productive. 

I don't know what that is. I find myself wanting to write, and usually just fall back into the habit of writing for myself. Then that prompts the question - well, maybe I'm still writing for myself in this blog? 

These fears of vulnerability and judgment are stifling me. How am I gonna get where I wanna go if I'm constantly acting as my own obstacle? 

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Don't ask

One of my co-workers could see that I was clearly unhappy today, and asked, "How are you?" I responded with a thumbs down. He proceeded to say shit along the lines of, "It's hump day Wednesday!" and "It could be worse." I shot back with, "Sure, but you still have to feel what you feel or else that shit will fester." He shallowly acknowledges it and says, "You're not in Boston or Nepal." 

Why the fuck ask someone how they're doing if you're not gonna just let them feel what they feel. Does reminding someone that there are worse things in the world make them instantly think, "Oh shit, he's right, I should be grateful!" Sure, it brings some perspective, but now, not only are you feeling shitty for whatever reason, you feel shittier for not thinking about these other people who have it worse on top of the shitty you already felt.

If nothing else but this opinion gets burned into your mind, good. Don't fucking ask people how they're doing and invalidate it if it's not a pleasing answer. Just because you're uncomfortable with the response doesn't mean that person shouldn't feel what they feel. 

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Learn

Love and accept me before anyone else, I'm told. And yet, I reach out to find someone to validate that I am indeed loveable.

"Did you miss me?" I asked him. "Of course! You were my one good laugh a day." I delighted in this response, but it is not enough. This response will never be enough because I'll want more. I'll be greedy and he can't provide anything that'll be sufficient for the expanding hunger.

A hug. And a deeper hug. I'm in a slice of heaven, but it is not enough. This hug will never be enough because I'll want more. I'll be greedy and he can't provide anything that'll be sufficient for the expanding hunger.

Learn to accept myself as I am. Learn to see myself as enough. Learn to just be.

The simplest and the hardest.

Friday, March 6, 2015

How?

I am still working on how to differentiate between what belongs to someone's projections, and what belongs to me. How do I distinguish this? 

I had a hard conversation with a co-worker and there was a bit from her that came off as judgment. Perhaps somewhere between what she had to say and what I feel is taking place lies the truth. 

Friday, February 27, 2015

Death of an Expectation

I must pat myself on the back, I'm getting better at killing expectations. That's not to say the little mofo doesn't pop up for a quick instant, but the more balanced I become, the better I am at keeping these at bay.

*deep breath*

Here I am, just a bit lighter of baggage that I don't need to hold onto.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Unrequited Love

With the feral diaper-clad baby's day coming up, now seems to be an appropriate time to get this shit out of my system.

I've only known unrequited love. I've dated, I've been asked to be someone's boo, but more often than not, I'm on the side of longing for someone who would not, could not, whatever not return my affections. With my current crush, my therapist says I can't force him to love me. And that if it were something substantial, I'd know. Although the first part is new to me, or at least new in the sense that I'm finally ready to hear it, the latter I've heard a million iterations of since I was 7-8.

Yes, I've been crushing on the opposite sex (and on a few occasions, same sex) for over 2 decades.

I've wanted romantic love in my life so badly and for so damned long. Why? To validate my loveliness, lovability, love whatever perhaps.

The response to my unrequited love is always the same - love myself first and foremost. Accept myself. The time will come. This is difficult to accept, but shit, better that than being stuck in something I thought I wanted.

Deep breath, homegirl. You've got this. 


Saturday, January 31, 2015

Sleepless

An 8AM meeting with my grad school mentor, and what am I doing? Well, more what state am I in - sleepless. I want to create. That's all that's coming up right now, perhaps it has something to do with today's, well February 1st's, Google Doodle.

 

Beautiful, simple, and of course, incredibly eloquent, straight-to-the-heart words from Langston, himself. I don't know enough about Langston Hughes, beyond the glimpses of his importance in my K-12 schooling, but perhaps it's time to become more than just acquainted. 

With the desire to create, soon follows is an overwhelming ache to hide. In any given hour, I can flip between the extremes of wanting to strut like a bejeweled peacock to pulling myself deep into my turtle shell. Earliest memories of this is captured in a picture - bright-eyed, happily laughing 4 year old at the head of the table with grandpa surrounded by the adults of the family, immediately followed by the uncaptured moment where I cried in the backyard, not knowing exactly why I was in that state. 

Social anxiety at age 4? Possible. 

Whatever the case, here I am again - giving this vulnerability into the unknown thing a try for the millionth time. Give me strength, fiercely vulnerables of the world. (Yes, I've created a noun where a noun doesn't exist.)