Friday, October 2, 2015

Carrie

About 90% of my Sex and the City viewings involved frustration with Carrie. Goddammit Carrie, why are you always making dumb ass choices? Similarly, I'd listen to my friends' relationship drama unfold and the thoughts/vocal questions of "Why do you stay?" pop up repeatedly. Ultimately, this echoed questions I've asked my mom since I was 6, "Why don't you leave him?" 

Not until my first dating experience at 21 did I see firsthand how low self-esteem, social messages of women should be in a relationship, and "bad boys" made the perfect shit storm. I was stuck on this dude for a year - about once a month, I'd return to see if there was any chance between us. He went as far as telling me about a date he was about to go on, and I returned faithfully the following month. Finally, he asked me for the phone number of a former crush of his (mutual acquaintance) - that's when I realized this motherfucker was heartless and absolutely cruel. I began to see why some of these women stayed, and why my judgment (masked as advice) was not gonna get them out any sooner. 

Speed this shit forward to present day, I'm 29 and again - I'm chasing a loser. I return faithfully once a month. I learned yesterday that he had a brand spanking new baby girl last month. Her time in the womb coincided with the time we were flirting and kissing. I was heartbroken. And yet today, I jumped right on the chance to "call him out," when really what I wanted to do was see him. 

Carrie, Carrie, Carrie. Perhaps I couldn't stand your ass because you mirrored a reality I didn't want to face. I've tried what I could to shake these feelings off. They're adamant that they're here to stay. I'll be able to remove them at some point, but how do I keep my self-esteem intact? How do I come out of this stronger and with a lesson learned? And goddammit, not repeat the same fucking mistake 8 years later. 

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